Back when I was freshly postpartum with my first baby, Faith Ploude's postpartum support group was THE place to go for help with all that came with new motherhood. So, I went. To this day, something she said at one meeting has stayed with me throughout all these years: "Ladies, date your husbands. DATE YOUR HUSBANDS! Because no matter how bald, fat, or ugly he is, there are always some sharks smelling blood and circling around."
It made me laugh so much. And although we had just had our first baby, and weren't really caught up in the grind yet, the words rang true. My bigger issue is, my husband is neither bald, fat, or ugly. He is scorching hot.
So, here we are. A few years and children later. And we are TIRED. But let me not speak for him... let me only speak for myself. I am ex.hausted. It's to the point that I almost feel androgenous. I do date my husband but I don't know what to do on dates anymore. Or maybe some part of me does know but I certainly feel awkward doing it. I feel like a person who's never driven a car and is given the keys to a Ferrari. What the heck do I do with this thing?!
I am cracking jokes but, sometimes, it's not funny. I think about the deeper meaning of these emotions and wonder how do I get back to feeling somewhat sexy again? How do I start the spark to burn with desire again? And not just here and there for fleeting moments. Like really, really BURN again. From head to toe as I once remember. My mind is definitely on it. I want to want to be sexy. When we were having dinner today, although we were having a sweet time, I was still thinking "ugh when did I lose my swag?" and wondering when I forgot how to smolder. Remember smoldering? I do. I remember I once knew how to look across the table/bed/room at a man and invite him with my eyes. i used to be damn good at it, actually. I felt so awkward and far away from smoldering that although I was thinking about it, I didn't even try. Then my mind went back to business as usual which is a constant loop of "Masters Degree. Boogers. Motherhood. Breastmilk. Mom jeans."
I mostly spend my time- when not studying- with other mothers and I've realized that a lot of us don't really spend time on our looks. Who has the time for that really? I think I used to a bit after my first, and then after my second I tried, but now I brush my teeth and consider that a huge accomplishment and basically my entire beauty regimen. And really, it's painfully clear that mothers are the bottom rung when it comes to society, in so many ways. It was deeply ingrained in me that my physical beauty has value that mostly hangs on the opinions of all other men so now that I don't give a damn about society and what it thinks of me, I have had to redefine what makes me a woman and what makes me feel I have true beauty. I'm still in the process of finding out what makes me attractive to me.
I have fallen deep into an abyss- a place that Aphrodite can't find on her Waze. It doesn't feel sensual, luscious, or juicy at this depth. It feels flat and not womanly. Womanliness- deep feminine goodness- to me feels curvy and interesting and mysterious; flirty and coy; pampered yet generous.
I don't want to "get my groove back". Or my "sexy back". Or any other cliche thing about bringing the fire back. I just want the old seductress-y me to seduce me back into her ways so I can start to feel the fire again so that it emanates heat out to all areas of my life. After all, I am the one that has always believed you can be a mother and a hot, sexy mother fucker at the same time.
That's right, I said that.