Today is Mother's Day and this morning, the three of us went to the beach for an hour to get some sun, a swim and to breathe in some delicious fresh air. It was the first time our little one really enjoyed the water. She was careful, but she was splashing and laughing and smiling while observing the children around her. I cannot describe the feelings inside seeing her open up to the world and becoming aware of herself in it. All I can say is that children teach and heal so much. Watching my daughter with her daddy is so incredibly heart pumping for me. Sometimes when he's not looking, I stare at him and think how much our relationship has changed since we became parents. Sometimes I miss the new thrill and excitement I felt when I first met him. And sometimes everything feels just right as it is. Lingerie turned into comfortable, affordable, quick pajama pants. That's life, what can I tell you? What was once fun and new turned into something essential and tremendous. A crush basically turned into my entire life. I knew it from the moment I saw him. I walked into his restaurant one day fed up with soy and all the other "health foods" out there, looking for clean, healthy, organic food and I never looked back. Now we have our daughter and every day I feel like my heart grows bigger and bigger, capable of loving them more each and every day.
A few years ago when I lived in San Diego, I was at the tail-end of getting over the only other really huge relationship in my life. The relationship lasted 1 year but getting over it lasted about 5. I felt the most free from it when I arrived in San Diego. Something about the air in California makes you feel soft yet invincible. While in San Diego, I finally felt I had done all the releasing, processing and being alone I needed to to be open to really committing to a new relationship. I dated a bit, but didn't meet anyone I liked enough for more than a date or two so I considered it just getting my sea legs back.
One night after doing some meditation, I took two balloons and a letter- hand-written by me- to my favorite beach. In the letter, I wrote to my partner who I had not yet met but was feeling very strongly. I attached the letter to the two balloons and released them, keeping my eyes on them until they vanished from sight. My intention was so strong that merely a year later, I met him. "Him"... who I now I have the honor and pleasure to call my husband and journey through life with. I asked and I received.
Today as the three of us basked in the morning sun, he mentioned he had a dream with the ex of his only other big relationship. I asked him some more about her and we talked like friends. Openly. We talked about our confusion around those specific relationships and our desire for closure. We dropped the husband and wife roles for a moment and were just two people speaking frankly about emotions. It was beautiful. It was vulnerable. I looked at him and thought how although I wake up with him daily and know him through and through he is still a whole other human being with a soul that I will actually never completely know. And I saw him glow again. Correction- the glow is always there, I just happen to be the woman who does his laundry and knows how many times a day he goes to the potty, so the glow's a little muted for me sometimes. lol
I don't know how life works. Sometimes it feels like a web of chaos and randomness. Sometimes I can start to make sense of it. And sometimes I don't bother to even try to pin a label on it... it feels that huge. If karma is a real universal law though, then I must have done something good to be here now in this with him and our baby.