So tonight I had my first outing alone after 7pm since giving birth- a book reading. On my way to it I looked at my watch and it was 8pm and I thought to myself, "Wow, it's already 8?" when a few lifetimes ago a gaze at my watch with the hands on 8 and 12 would have elicited this response: "It's only 8?!?!" I laughed out loud in the car by myself. Life sure is interesting. On my way back from the book signing, I laughed out loud in the car by myself again. That time, however, for a very different reason. I was thinking about myself and what an absolute paradox I am. For whatever reason, it hit me as I drove into my parking space that I have always wanted to be well-liked by everyone and have many friends ever since I was very young. The thing is, I'm not, I don't like many people and I push people away. See the conundrum? It's weird to think that you don't vibrationally match your own inner longings. I've felt like that many times and it's... I don't know... odd. Do I not agree with myself? All of these thoughts elicited a big cackle as I collected my things to walk in the door.
So, here's what happened between that first laugh and the final cackle. I went to see Dr. Judith Orloff, a brilliant therapist and intuitive, speak at a local bookstore about her new book "Emotional Freedom". I had read another of her books called "Second Sight" and it was very moving and special so I thought I would give her new one a try. And since I could definitely use some emotional freedom, I wanted to hear what she herself had to say about it.
She was a very warm and loving woman. She obviously lived very much from her heart. She spoke well and I had a nice time. Nothing was overly mind-expanding or touching, but she did say some things that stayed with me. Practical things I could use on a daily basis to ward off energy vampires and open my heart up in places in my life that could use a bit more light. I was very grateful. So, in an effort to show my gratitude and meet another lovely person I share this planet with, I stood in the line to get my book signed. I said hello, told her I enjoyed her other book, she signed, smiled, said "Thank you", and I turned and left.
And then I burst into tears.
And I couldn't figure out if it was my soul that was crying tears of happiness for not staying home to watch American Idol again and actually went out and did something good for it that didn't include the husband or the little one... or if I was exhausted from not sleeping... or if she was like some incognito Amma who activated my shakti energy and moved some major things around... or if her warmth gave me a moment of emotional freedom enough for me to slip into that place where I allowed myself to cry for all the things I was sad about. Or all of the above. I just know that I haven't stopped crying since.
I'm so glad there are no cookies or ice cream in the house because tomorrow I would be doing some major damage control. This big bowl of almonds will do. This is what I call "emotional eating"... not emotional freedom.
Life sure is interesting.