Earlier today I was at my mom and dad's house looking at family pictures all over the wall in their den. I was tiny in some of them; my brother and sister were toddlers in others. We are now all well over thirty. The thing that jumped out at me was the thread that connected all the pictures to each other- enormous, inevitable change. Change is just that- change. The meaning we give it at any given moment is what colors it all.
I've been thinking a lot about it lately. The other day on a walk home I correlated my unwillingness to wear makeup to my unwillingness to help change along. Change is a constant visitor. It rings our doorbells anytime it wants. It does what it wants. I feel like I want to do nothing to cause change- not even simple things like the way my natural face looks- and just let the waves come in as they will. High or low. Good or bad.
I don't want to wear makeup. I don't want to get angry about something I cannot change. I don't want to fight anyone or anything. I don't want to use anti-aging face cream. I don't want a butt lift.
I want to fully feel. I want to feel my skin. I want to feel my heart beating in my chest. I want to watch my child grow. I want to watch the sun rise. I want to live my days.
Is change scary? I suppose it is sometimes. The uncertainty of what whatever change is coming around the corner brings is almost too much if you think about it for too long- whether that incites excited anticipation or fear. I think about my grandfather in a hospital in what could very possibly be his deathbed and although we were never close at all, I wonder what changes are upon him. A life began one day long ago and it is now ending. How many changes were squeezed in between that bat of an eyelash?
Tonight life feels BIG. It feels fast. It feels like I can't wrap my head around it or get a handle on it. Thankfully, tomorrow comes with change and a shift in emotions.