My attempt at treating people more like children failed yesterday. I had every intention to focus on that throughout the day and feel it until it manifested itself in my actions naturally, but in the morning I sprained my neck to where I lost a lot of mobility and had some pain and then at night my mom gene just turned off. I found myself suddenly just wanting to be alone. I wanted silence, freedom for my little one's dependence. I wanted a relationship with her that has nothing to do with milk or "mother" or "daughter". I wanted to collapse into my favorite chair and read my book. I wanted to take a walk. I wanted to take a swim in the ocean alone and let the waves gently crash on my body. I wanted to meditate for an hour. I wanted to be alone, alone, alone. But I wasn't able to be and that put me in a foul mood and so I went into my emotional cave and started sobbing. My little one was being more demanding than ever and I wanted to turn it off. My inability to do so left me feeling weak and so I just cried harder. It's so strange because I have been feeling so in love with her and feeling so close. Just the other night, we both woke up in the wee hours, we locked gazes and just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. I wanted to be there forever with her.
She always asks for so much and 99.9% of the time I am willing to give it. But since last night, I've been thinking about how it won't just be me alone anymore. I don't necessarily want it to be, but I've been thinking about my life before her and frankly, I don't remember what it felt like to walk to a cafe and sip a tea alone, feel carefree, and have no time limits. Sometimes, I just want to pause time and space for just a moment and have no one need me. Just dance with myself for a moment to the music inside me.
Sometimes I feel guilty. I asked my husband yesterday as he was holding our little one, "Do you think I'm a bad mother?" When I asked him that, our little one looked at both of us and smiled a huge smile. "What does that tell you?" my husband responded. And I smiled because her smile always makes me feel so much joy. But inside, I still wondered. "Why did you ask that?" my husband inquired. "Well, because I am always handing her off to people now because she's starting to weigh a lot and I feel it in my back. I hardly carry her and that makes me feel guilty in a way. Like I should be or could be doing more..." I trailed off, not even sure what I meant by that.
I feel a bit better today. I remembered- thankfully- that we can heal ourselves, emotionally and physically. So, I sat outside while my husband took a stroll with our little one and meditated. I brought my hands to within inches of each other in front of my 3rd chakra and felt the heat of the energy in between them. I took that heat, put it on the sore spot on my neck to heal it and then let that energy permeate my entire body to heal the emotions locked within it.
I think women forget the divine feminine courses through every cell and makes us inherently intense and immense. We forget we have the space to be everyone we need to be, to feel anything we need to feel, and the power to heal whatever we need to heal. When I remember this is when I start to feel whole again. That is when even with the chaos of being pulled in many directions, I can be alone and dance with myself again.