wanting another one

The part of me that wants the second one.

I bought my almost due cousin a couple of gifts for her baby boy the other day and put them in my little one's closet until the day of her baby shower. While I was in there, I decided to look around.  Already, so many beautiful memories linger there.  My belly cast that I haven't hung up on her wall yet is in there.  She LOVES staring at our belly.  As I stood in there, I started remembering the first round of newborn clothing that I handed down.  They were so tiny and so cute.

I began to rummage around in there for a while.  I began to separate the dresses she will fit into from the ones she currently fits in now.  I remember when she was just born- tiny little thing that she was- I would look at the six and nine month old clothing and think, "How will she possibly ever fit into that?"  And now she's growing so big every day that I can hardly keep the closet up to date!

As I continued exploring her closet, I found a few things that made me sit on the floor and daydream.  I found a sling that I LOVED which she never cared for and the Boppy cover we used right after she was born that I had saved.  I had already given away everything I wanted to gift other mommas with.  Suddenly the implications of saving these items dawned on me.  Somewhere buried inside some place in my heart, is the hope and desire for a second child.

(Insert Hitchcock music and blood-curdling scream here, hehe).

Seriously though, I have been giving this some thought lately.  The first few days after my little one was born I thought, "I could do this 10 more times if I wanted to!"  And then the challenges arrived and I said "NO WAY, NO HOW" to anyone who would listen.  Difficulty nursing, heavy postpartum depression, debilitating sleep deprivation, lack of energy, health challenges, feeling ugly, the whole "wanting a life" thing, passion and desire after passion and desire being put on the shelf.  It was a whirlwind.  And I wouldn't say I'm over it yet, although I can say everything feels much more peaceful.  I have more perspective now.  And so I guess some brave/insane/extremely nurturing part of me would think it would be nice to have another one.  Not just to continue repopulating the earth with some more loving people, or to bless my little one even further with a sibling, but, well... just because the stirring is in my heart again.

My husband and I have had dreams with another child- a boy.  Every time we do, we tell him "little soul, if you want us, we want you but we need a rest for a few years" as we energetically shoo him away for the time being.  But I'm not thinking it would be SO hard anymore.  Yes, the thought of the whole process still makes me dizzy, but "NO WAY, NO HOW" has definitely transformed into "Maybe so".  And if "maybe so" becomes a yes one day, her little brother already has a pre-loved sling and a Boppy cover waiting for him in the closet that used to belong to his big sister.   :)