postpartum

And just like that...

..I am in bed weeping again. Maybe I heard somewhere once that at six months, things start to feel "normal."  And they did somewhat start to.  But then last night, I looked in the mirror at the four hairs that are left after major hair exodus off of my scalp.  And my pale face with no make up on because I sold all my toxic, chemically-laden MAC make up and was just left with 2 organic lipsticks and 1 black mineral eyeliner.  And my skinny body who is trying to keep up with motherhood and milk production.  I felt so ugly and so I just broke down and wept.  I wondered what was wrong with me.  I wouldn't have guessed PPD would still be looming but I guess I was wrong.  Everything is so different in my life.  I seem to keep waiting for the day things will return to their original programming but I know that's not going to happen.  I don't even know why I'm longing for the past; longing for something that is gone and no longer exists.

I oftentimes think, "What kind of a mother has such a difficult adjustment period to something so natural as raising her child?"  And I start to feel guilty.  Am I supposed to want to have time to myself or am I supposed to want to be with her all the time?  I know there are no rules but when I feel like this, I can't seem to decide on anything or get a hold of my emotions. I want to cry about everything, whine and complain... just sit in the dark, throw myself on the floor with some pillows, play some Aimee Mann and just keep crying.

But then baby wakes up and it's time to go go go.

*Sigh*