love

Only love is real.

That statement is apparent and easy to say and believe when everything is going well and things feel easy.  It's not so easy to feel when there is pain and suffering. I have come upon this truth in theory in the spoken or written  word many times.  But the first time I actually experienced it was absolutely amazing.  When I was birthing my little one, there came a point in active labor that I looked around my house, then at my husband, then at my midwives and realized there was nothing and no one that was going to bring me relief or escape.  I realized at that moment it was up to me and my strength to do this work.  I resisted that for a little bit.  However, when I surrendered and said to myself "It's just you here", there was no more fear; no more resistance.  Then I felt the soul of Everywoman surrounding me as I was immersed in that warm water with my baby almost out in the world.  At first I was surprised by it, but then I let them all hold me in their space and felt that as a warm embrace.  Then I felt the flood of love.  Yes, there was pain but at the moment I was overcome by the sudden envelopment of love.  I thought of every person I ever knew and even stretched my thoughts out to the ones I know I've known but couldn't remember.  Everyone.  And I just experienced them as love.  I realized every word they ever said to me was love and vice versa.  Just recalling their faces filled me with blissful love.  Everything in the world was simple blissful love.

Then she was born and after the love fest, the panic set in.  The worry.  I began to need to be sure that I would be here for her forever (or at the very least until she is on her own) so thoughts around mortality/immortality began to plague my mind.  I couldn't stop worrying.  I so appreciated the  play date I had last week because my momma friend vocalized her own experience with intense worry, thus allowing me to talk about mine.  It was such a relief to be able to talk it over and release it.  When we were chatting on a different occasion, she said to me, "only love is real" and this made me think of the healer I recently met who had that near death experience that brought her to Goddess' love (or universal love- whatever you like to call it).  I have been repeating "only love is real" to myself over and over, not necessarily trying to make it real because I know that it is, but wanting to make it a part of my daily life and to know it with every breath I take- not just in fragments.

The reason I have been so attached to this lately is because there seems to be a lot of struggle everywhere I turn.  My transitions as a new mother have been incredibly challenging- physically and emotionally.  Everyone's mother is suffering with the oil spill in the Gulf (I won't get into now how I believe that is a reflection of all of us in some way- not yet anyway).  One of my friends is dealing with the death of her husband and another is dealing with a very ill father.  Both of them due to cancer.  Things just feel sad around me lately and while I want to be there for everyone, I am trying to cope with my feelings around motherhood and my families and I feel like that is about as much as I can deal with really.  I feel like I haven't properly been there for them.  I don't know what else to do but constantly offer my love and support.  It's hard to face things like that when they are hitting so close to home and when your newborn has you pondering new layers of mortality.  But on some level, I am facing it with them.  They are people I love and I feel like my heart is breaking.

As I'm finishing this post, my husband is in our bedroom singing Bob Dylan's "Forever Young" to our little one.  I can't help but feel so much love and gratitude for all the people I have known that have impacted my life and the life of those I love and have passed on.  I'd like to think death is a sort of illusion and that because only LOVE is real, they're still with us...  even if just in our hearts, I know they are all still with us.   <3