It's that day. The kind of day I haven't gotten out of my pajamas yet and it's 1.29pm. Little one #1 hasn't brushed her teeth yet and neither have I, not because we're gross but because I have totally forgotten.
I couldn't find the vinegar 2 seconds after I took it out of the pantry because I had put it in the fridge.
There's a bowl full of barbecue sauce sitting on the floor. How it got there, I'm not so sure right now.
There's food all over the floor; broccoli bits all over my living room rug and toys everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
I sat down at my toddler's table to eat lunch with her. The amount of mustard I had put on her plate was not acceptable so she screamed at the top of her lungs at me and sobbed. I had had it. I yelled at her. "Shutuuuuuuuup. and. EAT!"
It was a slap in my own face. But I had to go for more. She wouldn't stop crying so I slammed her Melissa and Doug toolbox on the table. She jumped and cried even louder. My child was afraid of me. Shit.
I took a moment to myself in silence. I didn't even move. I felt like SUCH a heel. It's so easy to feel like a bad mother and just wallow in that so I just took a deep breath, looked past whatever it was I found irritating and cumbersome about her, me, and the situation and put my hand on her shoulder and gently asked her what she needed.
"I need mustard in a bowl, mommy."
As I fulfilled the very easy request, I thought about how much I absolutely don't want to be emotionally unavailable to her but sometimes am. It's very NOT okay for me to shut her out as I was shut out. I want her to feel she can make requests from me, cry with me, and tell me what she's feeling. She won't, if I keep this up.
I kneeled down to look into her eyes to apologize to her. "Sorry for yelling at you love. You were trying to show me how you felt about something and I did not react well. You can always, always tell me how you feel, even if I make mistakes about the way I react. I have feelings too."
I'm sure she didn't get all that, but she got the feeling behind it.
I am finding this toddler stage to be a lot about apologizing to my little one. I feel like I am making so many mistakes. It feels like I do more wrong than right although my husband says it's actually the other way around- so much so that when I do one thing off, I feel like it's the end of the world because I am so loving and respectful and present most of the time.
It's always nice to hear you are doing a good job. Especially from him, who's here and sees me and really knows if I am or not.
Now, if you will excuse me... I have to go pick up hard boiled egg off the floor, comb it out of my hair, maybe even comb my hair and get dressed, and delete the 300 pictures little one #1 just took on my iPhone during the time it took to write this post.