Lately, something in me has shifted. The reason I know this is because my exchanges with my little one while she nurses (loving eye communication and gazes) feel more pure and tender. I feel like everything I needed to process has been worked out and the hardest of it is over. Yes, the motherhood has just begun and the discovery around it is a lifelong thing, but the realization of the changes came into my life like a meteor that crashed into my world, leaving a huge crater. But the dust has settled and now the hardest part of this process is behind me. It sounds funny, but I finally feel like a mother. I'm nearly a year in and just now is when I feel like I am fully nurturing her and truly present for her. I know everyone's timing around this is different. From where I'm standing I wouldn't change a thing and now I understand everything I experienced and why. I am so grateful for everything and more than that, I am absolutely relieved that I am totally enjoying my little one now without an undercurrent of worrying about me. It has made such a difference in our dynamic and in our day.
From here, I am grateful that I had the strength to keep breastfeeding despite the challenges. I am grateful that despite the baby blues, the pain and the confusion I gave her all I had to give. I'm grateful I was there for her everyday to support her and give her love through the milestones she's reached thus far. I'm grateful, grateful, grateful. After everything, the gratitude is what is left.
The gratitude, the love and a healthy, beautiful, wonderful, funny, fun, growing baby.