12.

One of the most challenging things about being a momma I've found in these last couple of years is being a momma while still feeling like somebody's child.  A lot of times while pregnant and when freshly post-partum, I had a lot of moments where I felt I just wanted to surrender to my sometimes difficult feelings regarding my mom and curl up in bed with the covers over my head.  But with a newborn, you really can't do that.  And even now with a toddler it's not really possible to check out and go into my emotional cave.  The difference is now if I'm sad or tearful, my little one will come up to me, pat me on the head and ask me, "Mommy are you okay?" and there's a huge feeling of comfort that comes from that. :) Today is one of those "jump in bed and pull the covers up over my head" day.  I feel 12 years old and angry.  One of my nieces is having an art show today.  She is a very talented young artist.  My mom is going to support her and her talent, which I think is wonderful.  She supports both my nieces in their art- the other is a very talented young singer/performer.  She always tells them how great they're doing and always suggesting they keep working hard at what they're so good at.  I agree and I'm so happy they both have the opportunity to do so.  But I can't help but feel a bit jipped.  Where was that support when I was growing up?

I feel really raw about it right now.  And I also feel kinda silly because the past is the past and what is there to do about it now?  I still sing in the shower and that makes me smile.  But I find myself saying "what if" a great deal when it comes to both my parents.  I know that we are absolutely responsible for our own feelings and our own lives always so I can't exactly lay blame on them or anyone for not pursuing music.  But it's surely tempting to point fingers at them and wonder where all their support and encouragement was then.

It's difficult to feel these things while raising children, I think, because even though there is always an ebb and flow to parenthood and a constant expansion and contraction, I feel particularly small when these feelings come up.  From this place, it's hard to fully encourage anyone or be a believer in anyone's greatness.  I feel heavy and out of place and wonder if my child is picking up on these feelings of mine.

I always want to support my children and love them unconditionally.  I am sure my parents had the same wishes but from where I'm standing they seem to have fallen short often.  It's hard to parent and feel so young and vulnerable at the same time.