Truth.

Truth? I'm a bit afraid of giving birth again.  Actually, not so much the final act of pushing my little one out into this world but of the process of labor.  We humans are so afraid of the unknown, aren't we?  Anything that involves a question mark feels so daunting.  Yes, it is also exciting but WOW am I scared now that I know what it involves.

There are a lot of new truths to face this time around.  One of them is becoming very apparent to me in these last days I have left as a momma of one:  that soon, a momma of two will be born.  The leader of the postpartum group I frequent always reminds us that with every child a new momma is born and I think after how difficult my first postpartum period was I decided to tune it out for my second entrance into the Laborinth.  But I can't ignore it anymore.  The hormonally-orchestrated emotional surges, the physical changes, and the anxieties are here to remind me another new me will emerge after birth.  I don't know if I'm ready for another change of ME but ready or not, here it comes.

More truth... whether I like it or not I will be having less time for myself.  My dancing has already been put on pause, my knitting will be on pause, some of my friendships will likely have a hiccup and any hope of finding my calling (besides mothering, that is) will be put on pause as well.  Time with my husband won't be the same again for a little while.  But I have set our first date night for Nov 16 (Breaking Dawn 2!) come rain or shine.

Balancing my time for my older little one is the most difficult thing I am facing of all.  I fear that she will feel jipped by my lack of full focus on her as before or rejected by seeing me with another baby.  It's like my friend said, "Imagine your husband bringing home a new, younger version of you that everyone is fawning over.  It can't feel great."  I think about that and my hairs stand on end.  I know it's something that has to be delicately handled so that I can keep her happy and knowing that we absolutely love and adore her.

I wrote this down in my journal yesterday:

"Birth is like an earthquake... it's a big shocker that moves EVERYTHING. Things eventually settle and go back to normal but they are certainly never the same..."

I am fearful of re-entering the Laborinth but, like the first time, I know the fog will clear.  I will see myself clearly again and will feel everything with a new wisdom and passion that I have understood and embraced.  As I feel the contractions and the tightening, I hold on to this the most.