I am not one to look fondly on anything I have a difficult time getting out of. For that reason, labyrinths have always spooked me and intrigued me at the same time. Mostly spooked. Until the day I watched Sting's dvd about how and why he made "Songs from the Labyrinth". I rented it because I wanted to know why after so long a wait for a new album, he decided to release one that had medieval songs with a lot of lute. His explanation was something of a polite "because I felt like it!" Why not?!? They were beautiful, very different and very unexpected. In one of the videos to one of the songs, he was walking through a labyrinth as he played the lute. He looked so serene and happy. It reminded me of the term used in my Birthing from Within class- "Laborinth." Our guide, Linda, spoke a lot about how pregnancy marks the entering of a laborinth. Each one of ours has a unique path and you usually don't exit the laborinth until a few years after you have given birth. I heard it when she first said it and then decided to tune it out whenever I would hear it again because I guess I didn't want to accept that the process of pregnancy, birth and motherhood was such an enormous one. Well, it is ginormous. I am IN this laborinth like I've never been in anything before. My little one is almost a year old and I am still trying to figure out the momma/baby dance. I still have days when all I want to do is cry and blame others for stuff and feel sorry for myself. I still have days that I would love NOTHING more than to be able to have a full day to myself, even if just to stay in pajamas all day, watch Pride and Prejudice and Groundhog Day on repeat and drink hot chocolate. One day I feel like I have things together- finally!- and the next day I look and act like this again. My husband should be given a medal!
From every angle, the universe is shouting at me,"You're not supposed to figure it out." I hear the message in dreams, I hear it from other amazing mothers, from songs such as... drink up baby doll Are you in or are you out? Leave your things behind 'Cause it's all going off without you Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy These mishaps You bubble-wrap When you've no idea what you're like. So, let go, let go Jump in Oh well, what you waiting for? It's all right 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown So, let go, let go Just get in Oh, it's so amazing here It's all right 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
It gains the more it gives And then it rises with the fall So hand me that remote Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow? Such boundless pleasure We've no time for later Now you can't await your own arrival you've twenty seconds to comply.
Thank you, Frou Frou!
So, I get it. I don't always like it, but I got it. For any new mothers reading this, I know you can't let go until you do. No amount of listening to advice, relaxing or reading can cause you to surrender until you just do but when you do, ENJOY IT! Enjoy it all. Even the days when your hair is in knots, you haven't showered, your nipples hurt and your frumpy cotton tee and sweatpants are stained with spit up, milk and peepee. Jump in to whatever you are feeling and enjooooooooooyyyyyyy. The very definition of labyrinth is "an irregular network of passages or paths in which it is difficult to find one's way." It is all built in with those beautiful new beings. There is no sign to warn us that there was no way out. But we learn there isn't and when we finally accept that, we can enjoy our new passages, our new babies and return to ourselves- our new selves.
I send you all my deepest love and heart-felt support.