My little one went to sleep at 10.15 am this morning. This has never happened before. I'm learning as I go here. Every day I get more and more humbled by motherhood. It's just like life... when you think you know it all, you seriously have another thing coming. Literally.
Motherhood, just like labor, has been like being in a room full of only mirrors. All you see is yourself. You can't escape you. All the beauty and darkness you possess inside is right in front of you. There is nowhere to turn where you can't see ALL of it.
My little one needs me- a lot. She nurses a lot. She wakes up often at night. She has taught me that I only go *this* far when it comes to giving of myself. She is also teaching me to graciously give more, because when I hit my wall, she asks me to keep giving. And she doesn't take no for an answer. And when our relationship- being one of the most important ones in my life- beckons me to be more, I answer the call (although sometimes begrudgingly and hesitantly). However, all this giving makes me feel too vulnerable sometimes... invisible... empty.
When I feel this way, I turn to women to give me strength. Not only friends, but women I have never met. Like Rosa Parks for example. Our lives have no intersecting point but her essence and her strength do not feel far away from me. She was relentless and today I feel relentless as well in my own way. It helps me keep going. I imagine that the women in my life and others who inspire me have all found themselves in a room full of mirrors too. One day those mirrors all turned into doors and they were all brave enough to walk through every single one of them. And to walk through the doors behind those doors. And the doors behind those. They are women who never stop traveling and never close doors behind them so others can come through.
Today, in the eye of my frustration, I am absorbing the essence of all these women. It reminds me of the moment right before my little one was born. I was pushing for a while and she was just hanging out. When I was exhausted and thought I couldn't anymore, I felt the soul of every woman in the universe begin to sway and chant and give me strength. In the bliss of their embrace, I was filled with courage and excitement. She was born immediately after.
There is always more. More love to give; more patience to find; more passion to feel; more self to discover.