If I ever thought life was about anything other than change, I don't anymore. I have children now (plural!) and I see them become different with every new sunrise. New faces, new words, new thoughts, new discoveries. Every day is full of change. Which in many ways makes me always hopeful for the future when thinking things are always growing and evolving but also always makes me feel as if things are just out of reach or slipping away somehow.
I feel the resistance to full surrender into motherhood still. I get lost in the LABORinth and sometimes find myself wishing I would have never taken that first step into it. Especially now- facing toddlerhood with my first little one. She's having a time of it, as am I. She's a good kid (are there really any BAD kids?)- very sweet, loving, funny, charming and fun. But I feel the limitations her speech and her surroundings impose on her and the frustration they cause as well. I get frustrated too. Much like me, she shuts down and withdraws, unsure of what to do about things. I see that and wonder if I am recycling my past into our future. Am I a good mother? (that's kind of a rhetorical question). Am I the kind of mother my mom was to me or am I able to really step beyond my limits and go further? Am I loving enough? Am I caring enough? Am I attentive enough? Am I wise enough? Am I strong enough? Am I... am I enough?
Every devoted mother will tell you motherhood is exhausting. What most don't understand is that the exhaustion is about more than sleepless nights. It's about constant doubting and second-guessing. Worrying. Fear. Heartbreak. Tug of war. Screaming at the top of your lungs and into the deepest caves of your soul. Crying. Wondering. And change. Always change.
I always ask myself "can I do this?" but that is kind of irrelevant because I am doing it. I think that is something so beautiful about motherhood. It is a question and an answer all in one. A beautiful blessing and an unfathomable curse.