A friend asked me a while back about my blog. She asked, "Do blogs always have to be uplifting, because sometimes I'm feeling angry and frustrated" or something to that effect and I found that so curious because I always thought my blog was very self-indulgent in the most ranty and selfish sort of way. It's nice that she found it uplifting. But I guess she and I suspect many of my readers have caught up with me at the tail end of things. Now that I'm creeping my way slowly out of the Laborinth, things feel better and calmer mostly. But not today. I don't want to be a mom today. Today, I would have loved to have been barefoot in Lollapalooza, dancing with my eyes closed, baking under the sun with an iced cold Guinness singing along to Pearl Jam. It would have been nice to have been on the beach in Tulum, breeze blowing through my hair and sand dancing between my toes. A drive through tulip fields in Holland blasting Radiohead would have been awesome.
Instead, I was nursing my teething baby. All day. And severely neglecting my toddler who currently has a cough in front of the electronic babysitter. Little one #2's gums are on fire right now so he's been very fussy, very restless and very upset all day. He popped on and off my boobs. all. freaking. day. No nap. No rest. Just crying, fussing, and nursing. Yes, it's all part of being a mother but sometimes I just don't have the patience for it. Today was one of those days.
By the time we got to Whole Foods at 9pm tonight, no one had had a bath, no one had had dinner and everyone was exhausted. And Whole Foods being Whole Foods, there was NOTHING to eat in prepared foods that didn't have soy or 800 gross disgusting things in it. I went to the chip aisle to get the ONE non-gmo, non-canola oil potato chip snack they have only to find- for the 5th week in a row- it was out of stock. Leave it to them to have stopped carrying one of the few decent not-so-junky junk foods they had available. As we shopped, I nibbled on some raspberries out of the box that my little one #1 was having. I had two boxes of Sea Snax. I crunched on a handful of blue tortilla chips. I snagged a stuffed grape leaf. And I washed it all down with raw coconut water. That was it. That was dinner. But that was gourmet compared to what my toddler had for dinner.
Neither my husband nor I were going to get home and cook at 10pm. She was already ready for bed before we even left the house so we were going to have to find something there. I tried to give her a grape leaf. I tried to give her a couple of slices of organic cheese. I offered her a hard boiled egg. NOTHING. And then as we were paying, she hands me a pack of organic gummi bears and says, "please mami."
And I was tired. And I just didn't have any fight in me to make her eat something healthy or get home and cook even something simple like peas in coconut oil. "She had a few raspberries, they have antioxidants," I thought to myself.
So my toddler had gummi bears for dinner. My toddler that has a cough and could use some homemade chicken soup ate gummi bears for dinner.
We got home, brushed her teeth, put on her pj's (bath, what?) and at 11pm she finally went to bed. Little one #2 was asleep the moment his head hit the bed- thank goodness. He nursed for a minute and quickly fell asleep.
I am exhausted.
I just don't feel like being a mom today.
And now I'm texting my best friend to cancel our date tomorrow night because I'm tired down to my bones, have a full day ahead of me tomorrow and the last thing I feel like doing although I would love to spend some girl time out and about, cavorting around the Mile, is do my hair and get dressed up. What I'd love to do is cry. Maybe I'll do that now...